Poem: Conventional is it for me?

Fear I may never have the conventional norms.

Fear of what they call an aging beauty.

For my life I have always wanted so much more.

A life full of adventures and grand tails of my life's trails,

But did I miss the mark?

Is this the divine plan for me?

To never be a wife or mother?

I know that would greatly upset my family.

But the real question the one I can’t seem to answer is…….

Will it greatly upset me?

Series Wednesday: Family Game Night Page 22

                I sit and watch Hope wash her face. “Are they good to you?” She asks me. “Who my parents?” I ask her. “Yes silly your parents.” She sit on the countertop across the bathroom. “I mean they are serial killers. So yeah I guess for serial killers they are great to me.” Hope just laughs at my comment. “Well I am sure they are doing the best that they can. So, I have to ask did you ever have any idea Rose wasn’t your mom?” I stop to think about my answer. “Yeah I think I always knew. She just never felt like she wasn’t my mom, but she was my mother.” I guess I always knew. It examples my distaste for her. “You didn’t get the killing urge like them?” She asks me. “Yes and No.” Hope looks confused by my answer. “Please explain.”  I look around trying to think of how to explain. “I guess it is kind of simple. I got hit by a car when I was young and ended up in a coma. The coma damaged that part of my brain.” Hope puts her hands over her mouth. “Before the coma did you have an urge to kill?” She asks me. “Ummmmm. It’s hard to remember things from before. How I remember it was I didn’t have an urge to kill, I just didn’t care if I had to.” I can see the relief in Hope’s eyes. “I am sorry I couldn’t be there for you.” Hope says. “Why did you leave me with them?” I ask her. “I was only 16 when I had you. I didn’t know how to be a mother, I never had a mother. Rose and John were more settled then I could ever be.” My mouth drops. “You were 16?” Hope smiles. “Yes I was but Rose and John didn’t know. So let’s not tell them.”  How could my parent not know she was just a kid? She was around my age. No wonder she still looks so young. “You said you never had a mother. What happen to her??” I ask hoping to find out more about where she comes from. “I don’t know. I was sold and shipped all over the world since I can remember.” My heart drops. “Sold? Do you mean?” Hope looks at me for a while. “I am very educated in the ways of seduction and desire.” I get up to hug her. She doesn’t have to say anything else for me to know what she means, I don’t want to let her go. I just want to keep her here with me where she is safe.

                Hope and I lay down to get some rest. She seem so loving and nothing like my parents. I close my eyes to her smile and stroking my hair. “Cahira.” I hear as I open my eyes to see Grace. “Where is my mom?” I ask. “Do you mean Hope? She is down stair with our real mom and dad talking about all the boxes we have gotten so far. She is trying to help us find Percy.” I can’t believe for even a second I forgot about Percy. I get up out of bed and follow Grace down stair to the kitchen. As soon as Hope sees me she sticks her hand out for me to come to her, I run over to her and she raps me in her arms. My mother’s Face changes to a very unhappy look. “How did you sleep my little warrior?” Hope whispers in my ear. “I slept great for the first time in a long time.” I tell her. “Hope we should really stay focused.” My mother says as if I am a distraction. My dad put his hand on my mother shoulder to calm her. Hope start to edge me behind her. “Rose if you don’t get a hold of your jealousy we will have to speak in the game room. I don’t think either of us has the time for that. So I suggest you control yourself.”  Hope says to my mother with such force. My mother just stand there, she has nothing to say. My dad just starts talking. “So, what we have so far is we think who ever took Percy has been watching us for years. Probably since the girls were little. We have done some profiling about how old he should be. We think he is between 30-45.” Hope shakes her head my dad’s statement. “That’s too old, he was a bit young then that. If it is the same guy who was my client in China.” I look at Hope hating the fact that she has clients. “You said he had money right?” My dad asks. “Yes to afford the kind of time I spent with him. He was rich for sure.” My dad rubs his forehead, the way he does when he can’t solve a problem. “Why would he won’t to expose all of our secrets and to take Percy?”  Grace asks. “To get our attention. He has been in the back round the whole time. He has been watching our secrets, like Hope said he thinks this will bring us closer together or tear us apart. Percy is just a way to ensure we will be honest because we all adore Percy.” I explain. It all seems so clear to me now. This is more than just a game to this man. He is gearing up for something bigger. I am just not sure what. “That is very perceptive and I completely agree with you little warrior.” Hope says to me. I notice how encouraging Hope is and the fact that she won’t let me go. I have never felt this kind of love. I wish she wouldn’t of left all those years ago and would of stood to be my mom. The doorbell rings and we all run to the front door. My dad motions for all of us to stand back as he opens the door. There is a wooden chest in front of it. Both my parents carry it in. Hope once again edges me behind her. “What is it?” Grace says. “It’s a hope chest.” Hope says as she looks at me.

Series Wednesday: Family Game Night page 21

    My parents took off to go find my mom. They refused to let Grace or I go with them. So we sit here at the house and wait for them. “How long have they been gone now?” Grace asks me. “26 hours” I tell her. I know we are both starting to worry. “What if she killed them?” Grace says. “Wouldn’t that be poetic?” I respond. Grace gives me a dirty look. “What if she isn’t a killer at all and they are just looking in the wrong places?”  A voice that came from behind us said. We both jump off the couch. “How did you get in?” Grace asks. She smiles and laughs. “I’ve never met a lock that could keep me out. I assume your Grace because you’re clearly not my child.” She walks over to me and asks “why are they looking for me warrior?” She says as she touches my face. “Warrior??” I can’t help but ask.  “What do you think Cahira means? You are a warrior. Now answer my question, why are they looking for me?? Are you ill or is one of them dying?”  I don’t know what it is about her but I feel safe for the first time in my life. “Neither, our baby brother has been kidnapped and the person who took him knows that you’re my, well you know.” I say. “They think I took him don’t they?” She asks me. “Hope!” I hear from the front door. I turn to see my parents at the door.


                Hope is her name; my mom’s name is Hope. She slowly moves behind her as my parents walk into the living room. “You think I would take your boy?? I am hurt that is the reason you came to find me.” She says to my parents. My mother walks right up to her and hugs her. “I am sorry we even thought that for a moment. Things have just gotten out of control someone has my baby and has been sending us boxes with our secrets in them.” I have never heard my mother be so genuine to anyone. My dad follows suit and hugs Hope. “Boxes or gifts?” Hope asks. All of us look at her a little shocked that she knew that they were sent as gifts. “How did you know?” Grace asks. “Purging you of your greatest secrets is a gift.” She says under her breath. “What is it?” My dad asks her. “There was a boy who found me years ago. He talked about gifts that would destroy you. A purging of the things that would keep you apart from the people you love. He was a strange one and he knew things about me. Well he knew I had a daughter but he disappeared.” Hope is still standing between my parents and me. It’s almost like she is protecting me. “You have to tell us everything you know about him.” My mother insist. “Of course but I hate to say I don’t know much. He was rich and young, very attractive. He was a killer for sure and couldn’t control it at first. He said a little girl helped him realize that he was out of control and it was starting to scare him. The girl he went on about he said she has no soul and feared nothing. He didn’t mean to break her but he did. Once he realized what he had done he went seeking help and well that when he found me.”  Hope shakes her head back and forth. “I wish I knew more but most of the time he spoke in strange riddles like children’s songs. I taught him control and it seems like he took to it. Well until he mentioned Cahira, not by name. He said your daughter is lucky to have your eyes. Once he said that he took off and I never seen him again. I search for him and nothing. It was almost like he didn’t exist and I made him up in my head or something. So I jumped on a plane and track Cahira down. She was at school with her clearly gay boyfriend, she looked safe and I wasn’t sure if you guys had told her about me so I took off.”  All of my family turns and looks at me. “Chance is Gay!?” They all say at the same time. Hope turns around to look at me. “You are my daughter using him to keep everyone away.” She smiles at me. I look at Hope. “No one questions you if you stand out enough to make it look like your being honest.” I look down at my tattoos. “Hope.” My mother says to get her attrition away from me. “Are you sure there is nothing else you can remember about him?” My mother asks. “No, I am sorry.” Hope says as she reaches out for my hand. “Do you mind if I freshen up? I had to take a 10 hour plane ride to get here. Once I heard you were looking for me I rushed here.”  Hope says to my parents. “No of course not. Up the stair to the right is a bathroom.” My dad says. Hope pulls me by the hand to follow her. I hold on to her hand tightly as we start to head up the stairs. “Hope!” My mother says with tears in her eyes. “Rose calm yourself I came here for you not to take her, but since I am here I would like to get to know my daughter. I am sure you will be reasonable with my one request.” I have never seen my mother back down from anyone. Hope has a power over my parents I have never seen before.

Series Wednesday: Family Game Night page 20

I see my dad coming back down the stairs. “Where is mom?” Grace asks my dad as he walks in the living room. “She is coming.” My dad says as he looks at the stairs. My mother has clearly been crying. She sits down right next to my dad on the couch. “Cahira please come sit.” My dad ask me.  I go and sit next Grace on the other side of the U-shape couch. My mother hands me a photo album. It’s clearly hand made from the side stitching to the beautiful cursive on the front. I open the album and wonder why my parent called this a book. There is a picture of my mother and another lady pregnant together. The women in the picture looks so much like me. I look up and my parents. “I’m not yours am I?”  I ask my parents who aren’t answering me. “You are mine.” My dad says. I look back down at the picture. “Wait are you saying Cahira isn’t moms?” Grace asks. My mother stands up and walks behind the couch. “Cahira you are my daughter. I just didn’t give birth to you.” My mother says to me. This is the big secret that I am not her child. I wish I could say I am surprised but I always felt a certain disconnection to her. I just sit here looking at the picture. “Wait she look almost as big as you.” I tell my mother as I notice that their baby bumps are very close in size. IF that is the case they lied about when I was born. “We couldn’t say you were 3 months younger than Grace. So we said you were just a big baby.” My mother explains. I can’t believe my age has been a lie.

                “She is the only one to know about you.” My dad says as he points at the picture of my birth mother. “Who is she?” I ask. “She is…” My mother taps my dad on the shoulder. “Stop. We will find her and see what hand she has in this.” My mother says. “I want to know who she is.” I explain. “She is not your concern. I am your mother and there is no way out of that.” My mother sounds slightly jealous. “Are you serious? She is my mother and I look like her, I have a right to know about her.” My mother snatches the album out of my hands. “You only know about this to save Percy. You have no right to her nor does she to you. She isn’t here by her own choice.” Is this her way of saying she didn’t want me? I don’t understand how any of this is happening. I grab the album back from my mother.  I start to look at the rest of the pictures in the album and they are strange. My mother and her look like best friends even. “Who was she to you?” I ask my dad. My dad a walks over to me and reaches for the album for me to hand it to him.  “I loved her. She was the missing link in our family.” My dad says so lovingly. “So you cheated on mom?” Grace asks. “No, we both loved her.” My mother says. “Wait was this like one of those sister wife things?” I ask grossed at the idea of my parents sharing another partner. “No, she was our first step in controlling our need to kill.” My mother says. Now I am even more confused than before. Who was this woman? “Control your need for killing? What does that even mean?” My parents look at each other. “Well when your mother and I first met we were so excited to find someone else with the same urges. We might have gotten a little out of hand with our killing.” My dad so casually but what is new there. “Out of hand how?” I ask. “We might have went on a killing spree and killed a lot of people in all 50 states.”  My dad says. “We were young and in love and kind of blood thirsty.” My mother says as she walks over to my father and touches his shoulder. “So how did you meet this woman?? Were you planning on killing her as well?” Both of my parents shake their heads. “We didn’t find her, she found us. She saw us sitting in a bar and walked right up to us. She said if we didn’t find restraint we would get caught.” My dad says. “How did she know you guys were killing people?” Grace asks my parents. “She said it was in our eyes. She was just one of those people who could read desire.” I can’t help but wonder if she is like them or if she was something worse. “Can you guys just spit it out already? Who was she?” I demand an answer. “She was a dominatrix.” My dad finally says. It all makes sense now, the game room the rules that can’t be broken without serious reprimand. She made the rules for them. She created the monster that I know today, either that or she put the monsters on a leash. “So what happened to her?? Why did she leave?” I ask. “She just was not someone who could be contained. She needed to be free and although we thought she was happy here she really wasn’t. Family life just isn’t meant for everyone. That isn’t saying she didn’t love us, she just needed to go her own way.”  My mother says as if we are some kind of happy family. I don’t think she is meant for family life either but hey that could just be me. “So why do you think this is her?” I ask. “She is the only one who knew you weren’t ours.” My dad says. “Okay. So how do we find her?” I ask.

Series Wednesday: Family Game night Page 19

                I feel myself moving back and forth. I start to open my eyes and see my dad shaking me and Grace. “The doorbell didn’t wake you?” I sit up. “Doorbell?” Grace asks. “The next box is here.” My dad says as he heads out the room. Grace and I run after him. I run down the stairs to see another box wrapped as a gift. “You don’t think pieces of Percy are in there right?” Grace asks. “Let’s hope not” My mother response. This box is a lot larger than the last box and this wrapping paper has babies all over it. My mother opens the box and instantly looks at my dad. Grace and I peak in the box and there is a car seat inside.  “It’s a car seat.” Grace says. My mother steps back as my dad pulls it out of the box. There is porcelain dolls strapped in the car seat. I see the doll and it has all my tattoos on it. I look at my dad who notices the tattoos right away too.  I start to unstrap the baby doll out of the car seat. There is a string in the back of the baby doll. My mother snatches the doll right out of my hands. “I should take a closer look at this.” She says. “I think the baby is supposed to be Cahira.” Grace says. I reach over and pull the string on the dolls back with it still in my mother’s arms. That way if it is a bomb it will kill her. “Who is my mommy?” The doll says. My dad grabs my mother and both rush out of the room with the doll.

                “Are they coming back?” Grace asks me. “How should I know? All of you seem to run when a box comes. Can you check if there is a note in the box?” I look at Grace who is inspecting the box. “There sure is.” She says as she pulls it out of the bottom of the box. I smile at her. “Want to see them run back?” I whisper to Grace. She just shakes her head and hands me the note. “There is a note at the bottom of the box! I wonder what it says.” I yell so my parents can hear me.  Both of my parents come running back into the room. “Cahira give me that!” My mother says as she tries to snatch the note out of my hand. I pull the note away from her and hand it to my dad. “Read it out loud please.” I ask him. My dad looks at me as he opens the note. “I am one of the few in this room that keeps my word. Percy is not hurt nor will I hurt him as long as you play along. I would say good job Grace on telling the truth but I honestly didn’t think she would make it through. Well now dear mother of the pack it is your turn but don’t worry you won’t be the last we still have dear old dad and little sister to get through. So I send you a reminder from the past, to help you tell your secret. You have a week to tell the truth or I will send you a piece of your baby boy.” My mother still holding the doll in her hand just looks at me.  “So I am guessing your secret has to do with me.” I say to my mother. “We need to figure out who this guy is and how he knows so much about us.” My mother says to my dad ignoring me completely. “It has to be her. Who else would know this? She must be back.” My dad says to my mother. “She wouldn’t do this to us. She wouldn’t take Percy.” My mother sounds so certain. “Who else knows this then? She is the only person who knows. She also has the money to pull all of this off. It has to be her. The only real question is why now?” My dad says. “Who are you guys talking about?” Grace asks before I get a chance.  My parents instantly stop talking and it is like they forgot we were here for a moment. My dad takes a deep breath. “It is time,” he tells my mother. “NO, I am not ready.” My mother has tears in her eyes. Now I am afraid, my mother is as heartless as they come so for her to have genuine tears is terrifying. “Mom are you okay?” Grace asks. I look at Grace who looks just as freaked out as me to see my mother reaction. My mother turns away from both of us. “Rose it is time. Go get the book out of the safe.” My dad demands.  My mother starts to walk up the stairs to her room. I didn’t even know my parents had a safe in the house. “You guys are really scaring me.” I tell my dad. My dad turns and looks at me. “Let’s all go sit down in the living room while your mom gets the book.” My dad starts to walk to the living room. Grace and I follow my dad but I don’t want to sit down. I can’t help but pace back and forth waiting for my mother to return with a book. What kind of secret could they have in a book? I have so many questions right now. “Is she cracking the safe?” I ask my dad. I feel like my mother is taking forever. “I’ll go get her; she is probably having a hard time coming back down.” My dad starts to head toward the stairs. “What do you think this is all about?” Grace asks me. “I have no idea. I rarely know what’s going on in this family.” I really wish my parents would just spit it out already. 

Series Wednesday: Family game night Page 18

Grace and I walk through the front door and my mother is sitting on the stairs waiting for us. "Honey the girls are home!" My mother yells. I hear my dad coming from the kitchen. "Go to your room I will handle this." I whisper into Grace's ear. Grace nods at me and heads up the stairs. "Where are you going?" My mother asks her. "Stop mother," I tell her as Grace starts to run up the stairs. "What is going on?" My dad asks. "She killed that whole family out of guilt. Her emotions got the best of her." My dad just takes a step back. "Well you know what this means." My mother says to my dad. My dad nods his head yes. My mother start to try to walk up the stair. I run in front of her stopping her. "You are not putting her in the cage or laying a hand on her." I tell my mother. "Cahira you don't understand, Grace cannot give into her emotions and urges. She needs to learn to control them. So step out of your mother’s ways." My dad says to me. My mother and I won't break eye contact.  "Listen to your father Cahira and move." My mother says to me. "TRY ME MOTHER I DARE YOU."  My mother just continue to looks at me. "Cahira stand down." My dad say to me. My mother grabs me by the hair and I throws my body so we both go tumbling down the stairs. I try to get up as fast as I can but I hit my head on the stairs and it cuts me. I feel the blood slowly inching down my face. "You want to go mother! Let's go! I am not Grace I could care less if I hurt you!" My mother just looks at me. "STAND DOWN!" my dad says to my mother as he grabs her arm pulling her back from me. My mother is foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog. "She needs to learn respect." My mother says to my dad. "Well considering you have none I highly doubt I would learn it from you," I say in response to my mother comment. My dad just looks at me and lets my mother go. "Cahira you did this to yourself." My dad says to me as my mother steps toward me. See as my parent rarely pay attention to me neither of them know I took MMA to learn to control my temper. As my mother steps up to me I knock her legs out from under her with a floor sweep. As she falls to the floor I pull the knife out of my boot and climb on top of her and put the knife to her neck.

                "Cahira!" My dad screams. I look my mother in the eyes as I push the knife against her skin. Of course my mother doesn't flinch. "Do it Cahira prove you’re my daughter."  I drop the knife next to her head. “I might be your blood but I will never be your daughter!” I scream at my mother. I walk away from her and my dad. “Cahira!” My dad says as I walk away. I stop and turn toward my dad. “NO ONE WILL PUT GRACE IN A CAGE!” I yell and start to run up the stairs.  I see Grace standing at the top of the stair waiting for me. “Thank you.” Is all she says as she hugs me. We both walk back to Grace’s room. I lay down with her so she will feel safe. “I didn’t know you had that in you.” Grace says to me. “Just because I don’t kill for sport doesn’t mean that I won’t do what I have to.” Grace face looks puzzled by my response. “So you would kill if you had to?” Grace asks me. “To be honest I don’t know. I would hope I would never have to kill anyone.” I try to explain to Grace the best way I can. “So right now with mom?” I look at Grace. “She doesn’t need to know that I won’t kill her. She only response to fear. So let’s give her a little fear.” Grace smiles at me. “I really missed having you by my side. I am sorry for the way I treated you after you decided not to well you know.” I never really understood why Grace turned on me until today. I was so angry at her for not standing by my side the way I had always stood by hers. I just look at Grace and for the first time I see Grace for who she is. Grace will always be the same 4 years old screaming at my mother to just watch her practice her ballet dance. My mother never liked to watch anything until it was perfect. I however stood in aw of Grace, she never gave up and would practice for hours and hours every day. My mother never seen how many times Grace fell or missed a step, all she saw was her perfected routine. Grace moved better than girls twice her age. I no longer felt any anger towards Grace just sorrow.  I couldn’t imagine wanting to make our parents so happy that I would drive myself nuts. “It’s okay Grace, I love you.” I tell her as I roll away from her to try and get some sleep. As I fall asleep, all I can think of is Percy. I hope Percy is getting to sleep on a bed and being fed. I wish I knew a little more about who has Percy besides it’s a man who has clearly been around for a while. Someone who is smart enough to never have been seen and convince Grace he was her imaginary friend. I know I can’t solve this problems tonight but I really wish I could.